


Not Alone

by one_true_houselight



Category: Psych
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Conversation, Cute, Demiromantic, F/M, Fluff, Mild Language, figuring out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 17:44:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11994810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_true_houselight/pseuds/one_true_houselight
Summary: Shawn and Jules learn more about each other and themselves





	Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I wanted to write something like this because my hc of bisexual-demiromantic Shawn has been bouncing around in my head for a while. It's a lot longer than I expected so I apologize. Hope you enjoy!

“So I was at Gus’s house, and he wanted to see a movie.” Shawn was sitting on the couch with Juliet, a bowl of popcorn balanced on their collective laps. Two bottles sat on the table, partially drunk. “And I suggested the second _Die Hard_ because we both loved the first one. It was one of our Christmas traditions.”

Juliet raised an eyebrow at Shawn. “Christmas tradition?”

“Of course, Jules. It’s a Christmas movie!” 

“Just because it happens at Christmas doesn’t make it a Christmas movie.” She punctuated this statement by throwing a piece of popcorn at Shawn’s face, snickering as he tried (and failed) to catch it in his mouth.

“First off, darling,” he countered as he fished in the couch behind him for the lost kernel, “ _Die Hard_ not only takes place at Christmastime, but during a party celebrating that holiday. Two. Christmas music is specifically requested and played in the film. Three. Bruce Willis helps these people because he can. Very Christmas-y. And four, I call all the murders we solved in December Christmas Cases. I mean, those were good enough to be Christmas specials on TV at LEAST. And they weren’t exactly uplifting stories of the season.” He finds the piece of popcorn that had been eluding his hand. He pops it in his mouth as he raises an eyebrow cockily at Jules, who surprises him by leaning in and kissing him. 

“I love you, Shawn,” she said simply. 

“I love you too, Jules.” He paused a second to grab a sip from his bottle before plunging back into his story. “As I was saying, Gus and I went to see _Die Hard 2_. I was 13 at the time. And I was watching Bruce Willis being a badass and I realized I had a crush on him. He was attractive as fuck. And I, of course, told Gus this as soon as we got out of the theatre.” Juliet’s eyes widened slightly. “I know, I know. That kind of stuff wasn’t talked about as much then. But he was my best friend. We went through all the stuff with girls in real time. Why not this?”

“Did he take it ok?” Shawn heard the forced casualness in her voice and absentmindedly grabbed her hand and squeezed it, remembering when he told her he was bi when they had first started dating. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was after they got back from Canada. They were hanging out in the Psych office, waiting to leave for a movie. As they basked in that special silence that comes after laughing with someone you love, Shawn looked over at Juliet. The streetlight shone through the window bearing his company’s name, the company he built from the ground up...

The company he had built on a lie. His heart clenched as it had through the years he had known Juliet, especially after the drama with Declan. He had been having dreams where he told Jules the truth, and his mind had come up with what he believed to be every possible outcome; he figured once he had woken up from having a pineapple thrown at his face, his brain was running out of ideas. But he still felt guilty whenever he thought about it, even though he didn't know then if he would ever come clean. This meant, however, that he wanted to be as honest as he could about everything else. Which is why he turned to Juliet as they basked in that silence and took a breath. 

“Hey Jules.” He said her name almost as if it had an ‘sh’ before the j. She smiled as she looked over, which was Shawn’s intent. “I have to tell you something.” Even though he had been fairly comfortable with himself for years, he still got nervous whenever he told people. He had never had a _bad_ reaction per say (not that he told anyone who was likely to have one), but there was a large spectrum between the best and worst, and he was never quite sure where people landed.

Juliet bumped him with her shoulder. “Hey, you’re making me nervous. What’s going on, Shawn?”

Shawn turned his body to face her on the couch. “Jules. I’m bisexual.” He examined her face, his eyes (like always) taking in every detail, comparing it to his other memories, trying to read her reaction before she could speak. But he read nothing. Well, to be more exact, it’s more like he read everything. He saw flashes of confusion, fear, elation(?), which all coalesced into pain. His heart dropping, he tried to salvage the damage he assumed was being wrought. “Jules, I love you. And I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I just want to be myself and let you in (he winced at that), what can-”

“No, no. Stop. It’s not you. I’m sorry. It’s not you, you are fine. I’m sorry.” She looked up, her eyes filling with tears. “I’m glad you told… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Shawn, it’s not you, I promise, I just can’t… I’m sorry.” She broke, choking on sobs, but still trying to apologize. Shawn pulled her to his chest and let her shake, let her let whatever this pain out. He could feel tears streaming down his face into her hair, a few dripping down to join her tears on his shirt. They sat like that for a while. Juliet finally pulled away and stood up to wash her face. Shawn went and grabbed a tissue from Gus’s desk and waited. Once she returned, Shawn walked over to Juliet and put his hands on her shoulders. She quietly shook her head. “I can’t Shawn. I will explain. Some day. But not tonight.”

Shawn kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry about it.” He checked his watch. “Well, you still up for that movie? We leave in about five minutes.” She nodded as she gently pulled away from him. “Let me use the bathroom before we go, and we can meander. That’s a fun word, meander.”

As Shawn walked towards the back, he heard Juliet call his name. He turned around. “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad…,” she took a breath before continuing, “I’m glad I’m not alone.” Sensing this was not a time for a witty remark, Shawn simply nodded before disappearing in the back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn looked over at his now-fiancee. “Well, he took it as well as he could. Got the usual ‘well, I thought you liked girls’, and the ‘but are you sure?’ as we walked back. But by the end, I think he could tell I was getting agitated by the whole thing and told me it was going to be ok. Can’t ask for much more than that from a 13-year-old in the nineties, I suppose.” He smiled a little. “Gus was the only one I really told back then. It just didn’t feel necessary to tell anyone else, I guess.”

“Did you already know the word back then? Because I think it was around, but not widespread, especially for kids. At least, it wasn’t for me.”

“Nah. I just knew I liked guys and girls and others, though I think I was even less aware of the last one than I was of the first two at the time. But it was actually when I visited Gus at college one time, he came running into the restaurant we were meeting at...” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn was waiting for Gus at the Italian joint near Gus’s dorm they liked to go to when he came to visit. He had gotten a table and drinks and was lightly chatting with the waitress when Gus came tearing in. He found Shawn and plopped into the seat across from him, noticed the drink already ordered for him, and asked the waitress for a few minutes to decide. Once she left, Gus reached into his bag and slapped a pamphlet on the table, facing Shawn.

Shawn looked down at the paper; it was a flyer for the LGBTQ organization on campus. He looked up at Gus. “Well, I appreciate the thought, buddy, but I need to remind you that I do not go to this school and therefore cannot participate. And that’s assuming I even belong in here anyway-”

“I know you don’t go here Shawn.” Gus sounded excited. Shawn was confused, but leaned in as his friend continued. “But look below the acronym.” Shawn dutifully read ‘Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer student organization. **ALL WELCOME** ’. He looked up again. Gus looked at him expectantly. Shawn read it again. 

“Gus, I don’t think I am effectively picking up what you are putting down, as the kids say.” Shawn pushed the pamphlet back to Gus. Gus sighed and pushed it back and pointed at the word ‘bisexual’.

“I was talking to the people handing these out, trying to be nice, especially because some dudes were screaming insults at them. And I asked about all these, because I thought I knew what this one meant because of the prefix.” Gus looked for a spark of realization in his best friend's eyes. 

“Bis? Bisex? Which ones the prefix? Attraction to bikes? Because I have to admit, a man or a woman on a bike does do it-”

“No, Shawn. The prefix is B-i. Bi. Modifying -sexual?” Gus wondered why he thought his friend would know this. While they were both smart, Shawn did not possess the same skill for standardized education as Gus. He was more likely to explain why all the choices were technically correct instead of just finding the correct one. Or just make up his own answer. “Bi means two, Shawn. Like bicycle, yeah, or bicentennial.” 

Shawn’s eyes widened. “Wait. So that means here, bisexual means… me.” He grabbed the paper and stared at it, as if he hadn’t already captured it with his photographic memory. Without looking up, he reached out and grabbed Gus’s arm and just held it. After a moment of sitting like this, Shawn looked up. “I have a word now, Gus. And this means it’s not just me. I’m not some stupid anomaly, or just weird or confused-” He put down the paper at last to wipe his eyes. 

The waitress came back at that moment and Shawn hurriedly pulled away from Gus. They ordered, Shawn hiding his brimming emotions with banter and flirting as he usually did. After she left, Shawn slid the paper to the side and inquired into Gus’s life, clearly changing the subject. Gus knew his friend had a complicated relationship with emotions, so he told stories of his classes and the girls he saw across campus. Shawn kept playing with the edge of the paper absentmindedly, but everything else was fun, unaffected Shawn Spencer. 

They stayed for over an hour, which was usual. Gus heard about the ten jobs Shawn had cycled through since they had last met, carried away by the stories. When they finally got up to leave, Shawn grabbed the paper and looked at Gus. “Mind if I keep this?”

“Go for it. I got it for you.” They walked out together, then turned to say goodbye. To Gus’s surprise, Shawn hugged him. They broke apart and did their usual fist bump. As Gus turned to walk away, he heard Shawn call his name. He turned around. 

“Thank you for getting me this. I’m glad I’m not alone.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn smiled fondly as he finished his story. He looked over to see Juliet wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “You ok, dear?” He reached over to rub her shoulder.

“Yeah. Just… that’s what I said to you when you told me. Remember?” Shawn nodded and jokingly put his hand to his head. Juliet laughed and lightly smacked his hand down. “Ok, yes. I get it, Mister Steel Trap.”

“Ooh, that’s not a bad nickname for me. How about elephant? That could refer to many-”

“Oh my god, Shawn.” Shawn was laughing, which made Juliet laugh despite herself. He put an arm around her and she put her head on his shoulder as she continued. “What I was going to ask was this: did I ever tell you why I acted that way that night?” 

Shawn shook his head before realizing she couldn’t see it. “I don’t believe so.”

“You wanna know?”

“If you wanna tell.”

She took a breath. “Well, I’m not going to get into it as much as you did, but here’s the Cliffs Notes version. I figured out I was bi around 15, told my then boyfriend I liked guys and girls. He freaked out, told the whole school.” Her voice wavered a little, which made Shawn start drawing circles on her back using his thumb. This helped her calm down enough to continue “Most people started whispering about me. The few gay kids thought I was a traitor, straight kids thought I was a whore or an attention seeker or both. I got a lot of requests for three-ways from that latter group though. And they usually called me a whore after I declined, which always confused me when I wasn’t crying in the bathroom.” 

Shawn chuckled at this observation. “My girlfriend, ever the logical one.” Juliet smiled. “But I thought you were popular in high school, Jules.”

She sighed. “The next bit of drama rolled through after a couple of months, and the school basically forgot. I got a comment here and there, but I kind of closed off any part of me that didn’t fit the cheerleader-athlete-etc. I learned the term bisexual in college too, but it was in a Human Sexuality class. I cried in my room for half an hour after that class, but was too scared to talk about it. You coming out was the first time I really thought about all of it-me, what happened- since then. Before that, it still felt foreign. I was convinced I was just faking, that something was wrong. And it all came out when you said that, and I was overwhelmed.”

They sat in silence for a bit as Shawn processed the story. Jules grabbed her bottle and drank some. As she did this, Shawn finally broke the silence. “Well. Those people in your high school? Assholes.” Jules snickered into the bottle. “But really, I’m so proud of you for making it through that. Like, I know you’re strong as hell, I never doubt that. But I never stop being in awe of it.” He kissed the side of her head and then laid on top of it. 

“What’s interesting to me,” Juliet offered to the silent room, “is how you realized. Like, yeah, I had movies too. But for me, a big person was one of my best friends. And we were never as close as you and Gus are. So I guess I’m just surprised he wasn’t how you figured it out.”

Shawn shifted in his seat. “Yeah. I don’t know. I’ve known Gus for so long, if there were any feelings, they were mixed up in everything else. And honestly, what I had with him was plenty, so I didn’t really dig too deep.” He brow furrowed as he grabbed his bottle and drank. After he put it down, he continued. ‘But that’s another thing. I’ll be attracted to people, you know, look at someone and be like ‘ _yeah_ ’. But it’s only people that I really know that I actually want a more complex, romantic relationship, you know?” Juliet sat up to look at Shawn as he thought out loud. “Like. I would get together with girls. And I’d be interested in what they had to say as people, we’d do stuff, whatever. But they always professed these deeper, what I described as mushy at the time, feelings. And TV tells you that’s a girl thing, but the guys I talked to felt it too, which is of course another discussion entirely.” Juliet raised her bottle in salute to that, mumbling ‘smash the patriarchy’ as she drank more. “Anyway, I didn’t think much of it until I met Abigail.” He hesitated. “Sorry, is this weird?”

Juliet rolled her eyes. “Shawn. I am literally wearing your grandmother’s ring. The one we chased that dude across San Francisco for? The one you proposed marriage with? I’m not exactly the most jealous of people normally, and at this point it’s a non-issue. I want to hear about this.”

Shawn smiled in relief. “All right. So, I meet Abigail, and we become close, and all that. And suddenly, it’s like a light switch came on. I understood where everyone was coming from before! This is what they all felt. And it was _terrifying_.”

“Why?”

“It’s like, I thought I knew how it worked, how to navigate this whole thing. And all of a sudden, a new variable was thrown in for the girl I felt closest to at the time. And you know, my brain started going into spirals as it likes to do if I let it. What was wrong with me all the other times? Why is it different? Is this what meeting the One feels like? Or what? But other people describe this for a lot of people. Shakespeare wrote a bunch of sonnets for a bunch of people. Why was this just happening to me now? So now I was not only just dealing with my parents’ exciting relationship and my general distaste-slash-fear of commitment, I had this fun little monologue in my head. Which I’m pretty sure is why I left her at that pier. That’s how it seems to work for me. It takes a while to find those feelings, and a lot of the time, I just didn’t want to. Follow my gut, have fun on dates. Whatever. Then I met you, and the same thing happened. I liked you almost immediately, but further down as I got to know you, it became...different. God, I’m awful.”

“No, you’re not.” Shawn tried to speak again, but Juliet held up a hand. “No, no. I think I know-” Without finishing her sentence, she untangled herself from the couch and walked over to the computer. “Remember I told you about my aroace cousin?”

Shawn stood up and went to hover behind Juliet. “Yeah, they seem nice. Why?”

“I think they posted a thing about things on the aromantic spectrum and-here it is.” She had pulled up her cousin’s Facebook page and scrolled down to find a colorful chart full of definitions. “Read this one, ‘demiromantic’.”

Shawn read the entry: _doesn’t feel romantic attraction until they form an emotional bond_. “Holy crap,” he breathed. But his face fell. “Don’t you have to be asexual or something-”

“Nope! They post a lot about this. You can be aro-spec and not ace, ace-spec and not aro...Any combination of things.” She stood up and faced Shawn. “Besides, if it feels right, why let someone tell you it isn’t, especially yourself.” 

“So pithy,” Shawn quipped as he stole the seat in front of the computer. He read through the whole infographic. “Jules. This makes so much sense.” Juliet beamed behind Shawn. He stood up and spun around with a flourish. Juliet laughed as he grabbed her hands and started to dance with her. They spun around the room, giggling, until they collapsed back on the couch. With a grin, Shawn grabbed the bowl of popcorn and threw a piece at Juliet. “Gotta get you back,” he said innocently.

“Oh, it is on, Shawn Spencer.”

They fought with the popcorn, teasing each other. Finally, they had to stop because they were laughing too hard. Soon they were sitting in the same kind of silence they were in the Psych office years ago. So many things were different, but the important stuff was the same.

“Hey.” They both said it at the same time. This made them laugh again. Shawn pointed to Juliet to start.

“I’m glad I’m not alone.”

Shawn smiled and touched his middle finger to her temple. “You read my mind.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Have a lovely day!


End file.
